What are those tell-tale signs you're in for a bad experience?
- "Everything is good here." This is a very big one because that really means absolutely nothing is good here. If a server who's been around for over a month can't name what the patrons enjoy or even notice the most commonly ordered dishes, then it's best to just order appetizers to be polite, pay the low tab and then excuse yourself.
- Jack-of-all-trades menus. In addition to the aforementioned issue of servers being unable to identify quality items, restaurants that have vast menus tend not to be good at anything they prepare. A good restaurant will have a much smaller menu with dishes they'll prepare adequately.
- Steak at a non-steakhouse. Almost always, the steak is guaranteed to be mediocre at the absolute best. Same goes for pizza at non-pizzerias. Very few exceptions to this.
- For Chinese joints, pictures of food on the wall. This almost always spells trouble. Bonus points for grubby carpeting.
- Places with ≤100 reviews AND/OR a Yelp score ≤3.5. I've been to absolutely awful places with great reviews but only a handful of ratings which means not enough people have tried it. A place needs at least 100 reviews to be worth your time, and the Yelp score needs to be preferably higher than 3.5 stars.
- When ≥50% of the patrons are geriatric, especially if they're from the silent majority or greatest generation. People in those demographics couldn't be less adventurous, and boy, do they love their food overcooked and bland. They were born in a time period where the world was much smaller and had a much more limited palate as the options were much fewer. They also tend to wince at anything spicier than black pepper or even smoked paprika.
- The presence of foodservice delivery trucks that aren't napkins or non-edible supplies. An instant dealbreaker for me is seeing a foodservice truck making deliveries to a particular place, especially if it's a Sysco, Aramark or Thomsen truck. You just know the food is going to be warmed over crap the storeowner ordered from one of those wholesalers. To call any storeowner who does this a "restaurateur" would be an insult to both restaurateurs and their establishments.
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