Kid to his Jewish dad:
- Dad, you are Jewish, mom is a Gypsy. What am I, Jew or Gypsy?
- Why do you ask?
- A classmate offered a nice watch for sale and I don't know if I should haggle or steal it.
> Be me.
> Born to Jewish father and non-Jewish mother.
> Believe in God, pray, never cut my hair, eat Kosher, et cetera.
> Both of my parents are secular, so can't attend synagogue, (It starts early and I don't have a driver's license.) am not circumsized, and have never formally read the Torah.
> Have mean ahh classmate.
> Jewish by all means (is female, so not circumcision), attends synagogue, Jewish mother.
> Says I'm not Jewish. (Because of Talmud.)
> But a bunch of kids in that spread rumors about me, including my classmate.
> We often sit next to each other (our teacher chooses) and the city where I live borders the city where my classmate lives.
> Does that make us neighbors?
> If so, would my classmate bearing false witness against me break the 10 Commandments?
> Who Outjews who here?
For everyone about to comment that Outjewwing isn't real, this is a joke. But this really happened.
This reminds me of how I was on a trip to Germany and met my father's friend there, I stayed with his family in the town he lives for a couple of days and he invited me to go to synagogue with him. But being a Muslim I had to go undercover lmoa (well of course I didn't have to, but he probably thought that it will boost the experience and was right on this), so I wore a kippah and he told everyone that I am his nephew. I almost bursted out laughing when they started praying (I'm sorry but the language is funny to anyone who never heard it IRL before) and the people were extremely nice and the meal served after was one of the best I had in my life, cute Russian Ashkenazi babushkas brought delicious salads and chickem schnitzel, everything was so nice, including the people. And the wine, to day this was the best wine I've ever tasted, it simply tasted like silky grape juice without any alcohol though it had a lot of punch.
Thing is, he decided to say that only my father was a Jew but he added that "IN RUSSIA IT COUNTS" (and it did but not in religious sense, since back in the Soviet times they would write your ethnicity down as "Jew" in the passport) and everyone just casually went with it as if it doesn't matter much. The rabbi pulled out a huge Torah and gave it to me as a gift, a beautifully printed and very egspensive looking book, none of that protestant booklet crap, it was SOLID, huge, and that was my first time I fully read the old testament.
For some reason people actually asked "so it counts as being a Jew in Russia? Oh ok" and the uncle AND Russian babushkas present confirmed this even though the rules are very clear on this.
It was a very interesting experience of being a Jew for a day, I remember how my "uncle" and I went to the balcony so he could smoke (I couldn't join the activity being 16 or 17 or something) and there was an arab guy on a bicycle passing by, he saw us all the way down from the street and almost broke his neck looking at us with his eyes full of pure hatred until the street turn.
What makes this experience even more interesting is that I am pretty much a Khazar too, it's just that I come from the part that turned Muslim and the other part became Ashkenazi. And so we met at last.
- Where did you get that watch? - asks the Gypsy from his son.
- I bartered it for the pocket knife you gave me.
- You stupid little shit! Now what are you gonna do when someone calls your mother a whore? Are you gonna say "half past ten"???!!!
Why would I? Not much negers around when this joke was born, and I highly suspect the origin of the joke cannot be traced to the US or Africa, but to somewhere in Europe. And that's the closest we can get to the origin.
>people were extremely nice
They thought you weren't a goy.
>the meal served after was one of the best I had in my life
As kosher food should be. They use quality ingredients generally. Especially in Germany where they can get quality ingredients.
>"so it counts as being a Jew in Russia? Oh ok"
This is an interesting question. Quite large portion of Zionist Jews in Israel are from Russia. Fanatical too. I wonder how they handle the question. By the talmud, its the mom that counts. But then there are proselytes who have no Jewish parentage, they supposedly accepted as Jews (I bet they laugh at them behind their backs tho), so a dad should count as something.
>I am pretty much a Khazar too
Brother!
I reread OP three times and I'm still not sure I understand it.
- OP is half-Jewish and does Jewish religious things;
- OP has a female Jewish (?) classmate, who questions his Jewishness;
- None of the described happenings negates anything Judaism-related OP could possibly be worried about, as far as I'm aware;
Is OP doubting his Jewish identity because of certain unfavourable social encounters? Does he harbour potentially disastrous in the spiritual department feelings towards his opposite-gender classmate? What means?
>OP is half-Jewish
Yes.
>does Jewish religious things;
No. See secular parents, not attending synagogue, not reading Torah.
>OP has a female Jewish (?) classmate
Yes.
>who questions his Jewishness;
Yes. For the Jews only those are Jews whose mother is a Jew. For one can only be sure of one parent: the mother (those ancient Jewish grills must had been quite the sluts if this became an issue enough to make it a rule).
