>Pretending that the notes in C Major are evenly spaced
Let me tell you what's cringier:
pretending that chromatic scale of semitones not only is but ought to be evenly spaced.
Protip: it never should have, this leads to dissonances because by making it evenly spaced, you're sacrificing clean rational intervals.
And, then, ironically, you also said:
>Having a regularly ascending sequence of tones on your keys is the only thing that makes sense if you don't want your instrument to decide for you what to play.
I thought the idea behind making patterns regular was exactly that: so that you don't have to think what key you're in when you're playing, i.e. your instrument assisting you in not making mistakes.