Reading your blog before falling asleep after a gig.
......
Damn Bernd, my condolences.
You gotta get yourself a wife, being without any family sounds scary.
Good night :(
I don't have anyone else to talk to, not that it matters much or that anyone should care, since I'm barely able to dust up an ounce of remorse.
My mather died apparently around the 12th of october, alone and of what I'm not sure of yet. A bolice officer emailed me asking me to phone him. Me being suspicious of any bolice contact, I opted to continue corresponding over email in case I had been caught in Canada with tax fraud, indecent material, something or anything.
So I'm on the other side of the world, and I feel annoyed I have to return (bolice said I didn't) to clear her estate, rehouse her kot, finalise anything to do with her death, etc and then sell some shit of my own I left at her place.
I didn't think she'd die so young. Her age is unknown to me, same with my father. I haven't spoken to her in years. She wasn't a good mother in the last ten years of her life due to the trauma and abuse that birthed her mental illnesses. The last time she contacted me was to make me feel guilty over leaving her, but she was killing me like a caged bird. I know some of you will spit at me, and rightfully so, because I am a rather disgusting person, but the last time she contacted me, I told her to hurry and and die or I'll strangle her myself if I ever return to Canada. I was insane at that moment, completely unhinged from smoking weed and being knee deep in a six month long giardia infection that was making me psychotic. The worms and drugs aren't a good excuse and now that she's dead, I guess I'm glad she is. She lived a really substandard life of horrors and abuse thanks to my father and her disappointing son, and only to die alone in a foreign country didn't seem right especially as a woman and a mother, but that's just how partial and uncaring life can be.
When a newfie told me we're only a garage sale at the end of our lives, well I guess I'll experience it eventually and since I only have my estranged father left, I'm one step closer to being totally alone in the world and that's what haunts me the most.
I've come to accept it.
Now the hardest part from this end appears to be returning home, removing what she cherished the most, and preserving the remnants of times I remember fondly.
I'm not sure what I'll do back in Canada. I'll be stuck there if I don't get vaccinated and I'll be unable to drive without a license. I'm just unsure of how to handle the processes of funerals and if I should invite my estranged father without making a scene. I might contact him, asking to house me in one of his flats for a wee while to figure out if I should return to study a trade.
I guess this is good to get my life back on track and start building a career, but dealing with a bitter old boomer whom I'm not even sure is still alive seems pretty daunting.
Problems were.
Wow that sucks. Just so you know: I don't hate you or spit on you. I just wish you all the best and hope you have the strength to do what you think is right. Don't forget to get some help if you need any. Many people, especially Bernds, feel like they're alone in this world, but there are willing helpers more often than you think. Anyways, Godspeed, fren.
Your blogposts are among the most interesting things I ever read on an imageboard. Don't feel bad about it.
Take one step at a time and maybe get some help and advice from someone who isn't in your head or family. Things like this are difficult for everyone and you seem to be in an especially difficult situation. You don't need to decide everything today.
Danke Bernd.
I wanted to help my mather like any good son would and lift her out of poverty, but I wasn't raised with enough tools to relinquish the shackles I was burdened with. Parents broke me, courts broke me, government systems broke me, school and my peers broke me. Simple as. Breaking through self-defeating cycles is arduous and requires stern austerity against those inflammatory nags that tug on me to sink.
I'd seek help but lol I don't know anyone and its futile to seek help from strangers who are employed to help. I shouldn't judge but I've found the impoverished to be very helpful and the most genuine at helping despite their situations.
Danke Bernd. I find your potheaded antics reminiscent of my own when I was a spry spring chicken.
I'm pretty sure I have to return. It'll be good to settle these demons once and for all. I only did leave Canada due to my parents and trying to find my own patch but antisocially absconding proper bonds is what made me fail in the long run.