I'm a 29 yo male going to female ~40-42yo cognitive behavioral therapist for about 4 months now. I'm rather Kein, but in the last few years I turned fullon Bernd (I haven't used IBs before 2018, because I had actually other things to do).

 

A few sessions ago I started telling her that I've started getting things to kys already months ago. Last session I updated her on that matter, because things suddenly progressed (I guess I'm more lazy than actually depressed and even kysing needs drive and motivation kek) once in a while and promised her to update her, so I did. she got worried. She said "you gotta get that stuff out of reach, give it to me, or give it to a friend etc)" I said no, I don't want to give it to anyone else because that would feel like a major setback and going back to square 1. No one would hand it back to me knowing what it is. I tried to change the topic but she didn't had it.

 

Stuck in the conversation where she wanted to hear me coming up with a plan for such safety measures, she said something like I really don't want that you kill yourself, because I like you, but she also added that she can't prevent it anyways. I didn't know what to say and just didn't say anything. She did neither, but somehow her eyes got glassy and I was thinking like "what? She ain't gonna cry in front of me any moment, is she?" she looked sad and I couldn't really look at her for long, because it made me feel bad somehow. It's been a few years since I made a woman cry, you know.

 

Anyways, I then said "I could put the stuff in my cellar compartment. I'm a lazy fuck, going down to get it is really kind of out of reach for me". Then she suggested putting it there and giving her the keys for the doors and I just agreed, because I wanted to talk about other stuff.

 

Afterwards I told her about a book I want to read that I ordered, because without knowing too much about it the few plot lines I read felt similar to my situation. I also mentioned that there's going to be some kind of love story according to a sentence I read in the preview. She then suggested that we could read it together. I hesitated for a moment, because I haven't read a book with someone else before and wasn't sure if 50 minutes of therapy is going to be me reading the book to her. She's gonna buy it too. And we read it for ourselves at home and 50m therapy might become my book club. Or something. I'll see

 

Also, about two weeks ago she already told me she doesn't have time on the 12th and I was feeling it had something to do with Valentine's day and her involvement with a male person. Long fucking weekend and such. The idea made me sad of course, because I'm pretty Bernd and lonely and back then was also a little in love with her already. Of course. Last session she told me she doesn't have time on Friday, because she's got a therapist workshop coming up. This made me feel relieved a lot.

 

I know what (erotic) transference is and of course it is in my case.

 

My question is: is she fucked in the heda, too? Erotic countertransference does exist and I always got a few impressions she's flirting with me. Is this all normal therapist behavior? Is she deliberately fucking with my head? What is going on here? The emotional distance to her I had before is gone and I just want to love her. It feels good and like some moody mood lifted off me, but I don't think it will end good like me returning to my former distance.

 

Did you know that reading books together is a couples thing?

 

I won't tell Bernd which book, because I don't want you to ruin and spoil this romantically magic moment for me.